BOOK OF LISTS: RANKING ALL THE CYBERMEN STORIES - PART ONE

Hey! Look at that! I've decided not to quit writing this Blog, after all! 

I will admit, however, PRETENTIOUS DOCTOR WHO ESSAYS will probably become much more "cliche". Up until now, I've tried to tackle creative and original topics. But, from this point onward, I will probably just be talking more about my own personal opinions and tastes. Basically, I'll be discussing the more "stereotypical subject matter" that you see in the works of most bloggers and/or vloggers that are out there. 

The most important thing we should do before actually beginning this whole list is to establish what actually constitutes a "proper" Cybermen story. 

The Cybermen are, quite possibly, the best at cameo appearances. Particularly in New Who. But even during the Classic Series, we get moments like the brief shot of a Cyberman on the miniscope screen in Carnival of Monsters. 

Now, a Cyberman appearing for a few brief seconds does not constitute a legitimate Cybermen story. It is, essentially, just a cameo. A story that has Cybermen in it for a bit - but that's it. Which means, of course, that Carnival of Monsters won't make it onto this list. Nor will episodes like The Pandorica Opens or A Good Man Goes to War. In these instances, the Cybermen do show up for a few minutes. But I'd still say they're not in the narrative long enough, There is a "critical mass" of screentime that is required of them before the tale can appear on this list. 

Having said all that, you may be surprised by some of the stories I do end up listing here. The Cybermen may not be at the forefront of the plot in some of these tales - but they're still in it enough to make it onto the list. 

SPECIAL NOTE: Longtime readers of this Blog may remember how, way back in the 1950s, I did list my Top Five Cybermen Stories. Like most people, my tastes can change over time. So, as you get to the last five adventures on this list, they may not be in the same order as they once were. In fact, it may not even be the same five stories! 

In the end, I came up with nineteen tales that qualify as Cybermen Stories. We'll start at the bottom and work our way up, Beginning, of course, with Nineteenth Place:

19: REVENGE OF THE CYBERMEN 

I remember seeing this story when I was still quite young. I really wanted to like it. I thought the Cybermen were great monsters so I was eager to enjoy anything that featured them. 

But even as a young lad, I could see this was all pretty awful. 

So much of it seems to make so little sense. Right from the opening scene. Why does the Time Ring land them in a different time? How does the TARDIS start drifting backwards without anyone steering her? 

The nonsense continues as things progress. The Cybermen have another super-over-contrived plan. Why do you need to wipe out nearly the entire staff of a space station to turn three of them into living bombs? Why not just grab three people from anywhere and make them do it? Why not just send down androids to the core Voga? 

The Vogans, themselves, are equally silly. Their entire world is chocked full of stuff that is lethal to Cybermen. Why are they using none of it against their invaders when they attack?! 

There are other problems besides all the plotholes.  The Cybermen seem extremely campy, here. Tom Baker is also being weird with the role. He was wild and unpredictable in Robot because he was shaky from the regeneration He seems to recover and become quite serious for the rest of the season. Until we get to Revenge. Then, suddenly, he's Robot Fourth Doctor again. 

The problems go on and on. I'm always amazed at the fans that will complain about some of the weaker stories in the 80s but not make any mention of this stinker. I'll watch Time Flight or Twin Dilemma waayy sooner than I'll watch this mess, 

18: THE NEXT DOCTOR 

I wish I could say that Revenge of the Cybermen is the only tale on this list that I consider genuinely "bad". But there are, unfortunately, a few more stories that fall into this category. All of them are from the whole New Who Parallel Reality Cybermen story arc. 

The Next Doctor is the worst of the bunch. Again, we've got a slew of plot holes, The actual dreadnought being at the center of quite a few of them. How do you build something that big in the Thames without anyone noticing? Why are the children only brought into the workforce during the final phase - how was the rest of it built? Most importantly, why build such a giant monstrosity in the first place? If your intent is to convert the local population, why come at them in something so huge that they will see it from miles away and flee for their lives? It's yet another over-contrived plan that makes very little sense,

This is also one of those adventures where the Cybermen are pushed quite heavily towards the sidelines in order to focus on an A Plot. In many instances, they will still have a strong enough presence in the story, anyway. This is not one of them, however. They really do feel just a bit extraneous. It doesn't help that I really don't enjoy the main focus of the story. The Doctor thinking his met a future version of himself (who wasn't really his future incarnation) just seemed pretty dumb to me.  

And then there are those absolutely awful Cyber-Shades. Wow, do they look stupid. Like, the guy that wore the Taran Woodland Beast costume would even laugh at them. Their origins also seem like a plothole, too. They're, somehow, made from cats, What?! 

I consider this the worst story of the New Series. It is, perhaps, only marginally better than Nineteenth Place. It does, however, give me one bit of joy, This is the last story in the Parallel Reality Cybermen  storyline. 

17: ARMY OF GHOSTS/DOOMSDAY

While the Daleks also have a strong presence in the plot, we can still consider this a legitimate Cybermen story. It's just not a very good one. 

Fans have been dreaming for years of a battle between these two intergalactic conquerors. We imagined they would be pretty evenly-matched and that we would be kept guessing who the victor might be until the bitter end. Instead, we just get the Daleks handing the Cybermen their asses. 

The Cybermen get pretty heavily sidelined once the Daleks arrive. They're kinda not even necessary to the plot. Aside from how badly the Cybermen are treated, there's really not much else to like, here, either. I think, for instance, of Rose and Ten's farewell scene. First time I saw it, I felt it was pretty cringe-worthy. As I re-watch it many years later, I have to say that it has aged so badly that I can barely sit through it. 

In general, this is a pretty difficult story to watch. Not just because the Cybermen are fairly lame in it.

16: RISE OF THE CYBERMEN/AGE OF STEEL

Mildly better than its Season Finale sequel - but still not very good! 

I get what RTD is trying to do, here. The back-story of the Cybermen from our Universe is ever-so-slightly convoluted. He is determined to make the show as accessible as possible to a new audience so he's decided that, from this point onward, the Cybermen will come from a parallel universe where their origins are simpler.  

The main problem is: some bad decisions get made in the crafting of their new genesis. The biggest one being the "Poor Man's Davros" that the writer creates. He makes the entire plot feel like it's being ripped off from elsewhere. Once more, someone disabled is trying to perpetuate himself through a race of cyborgs. It doesn't help that Age of Steel "borrows" heavily from the central premise of The Five Doctors. Tenant even says: "Above, Between, Below" in a manner similar to the way Troughton said it. 

Ultimately, the story still beats Ghosts/Doomsday in this ranking system because the plot is less contrived. But, thus far, we're still dealing with material that I find to be genuinely bad. 

15: THE MOONBASE

After The Tenth Planet, it feels like the production team said to themselves: "Holy crap! We seem to have found a monster that might be as popular as the Daleks! We better make another story involving Cybermrn as quickly as possible!" 

The Cybermen's latest plan to conquer humanity seems to only make so much sense. I suppose giving us really bad weather would represent some tactical advantage, but it hardly seems worth the effort they're putting in to take over the Moonbase. Truthfully, the whole adventure seems more like an attempt to create Cyber-Mania rather than actually produce a competently-written story. 

The Moonbase (what's left of it, at least) is fairly weak. However, I would say it just manages to crawl out of the "bad" section of this list and becomes a somewhat-passable yarn. But it only barely manages to do so. 

14: NIGHTMARE IN SILVER

Nightmare in Silver marks the beginning of a strange trend we will, sometimes, see in New Who Cybermen stories. The Cyber-Race will get a power whose internal logic is only so coherent. In this case, it's the ability to constantly upgrade themselves in order to overcome what's opposing them. It's a workable concept in some situations. In others, however (such as suddenly having adequate armor to protect them from a laser canon attack), I'm really not sure how a Cyberman would actually be able to upgrade in such a manner (suddenly coming back to life after being electrocuted is another weird one!).. 

This is another story that's just barely passable. It has, perhaps, a few more enjoyable moments than The Moonbase, but it's still only so well-constructed. There are some fun ideas at play, here (ie: an interesting conclusion to a major war, the way cybermites work, blowing up entire planets to defeat the enemy).. But there's also some pretty silly stuff (ie: Cybermen temporarily removing body parts in order to be "tricky", the afore-mentioned upgrades that don't seem to make a lot of sense). 

There is also a behind-the-scenes issue that has caused this story to become more difficult to appreciate. Some might say it should have no bearing. That I shouldn't care about what we've now learnt about the episode's author. But it does still bother me.  . 

13: WHEEL IN SPACE 

The other not-so-great 60s Cybermen story. I do, at least, think this one is a bit better than The Moonbase. But only a little bit. 

It falls into much the same traps as the other problematic 60s Cybermen tale. Once again, the Cybermen have a ridiculously over-contrived plan that really didn't even need to be executed. They could have just flown their fleet into the solar system and started invading us. Instead, they feel the need to take out the Wheel, first. A process that seems to involve inducing multiple supernovae! 

But I do find there is a bit more to like in Wheel in Space. This is actually one of my favorite models of Cybermen. I don't just like their aesthetics but they also seem to have some of the most interesting "special features". They have the standard lethal laser blast and can stun from their fingertips. But they also can do lots of cool mental stuff that most Cybermen can only accomplish with extra equipment. This model, however, has it all built right into their suits. 

For some reason, the special features create just that little bit more enjoyment for me! 

12: CLOSING TIME 

Closing Time is definitely a Mid-Ranger. Nothing terrible about it but not particularly spectacular, either. The plot is, perhaps, a tad too simple. But it does contain a lot of fun and charm.  

Like The Next Doctor, the Cybermen don't quite feel like the actual center of the story. There are a lot of other things going on in the adventure. We're getting an update on Craig's life and watching him struggle with fatherhood. It's also about the Doctor facing his own mortality as he's about to go to his doom at Lake Silencio. Unlike Next Doctor, however, this works to the story's benefit. These other plot threads are quite engaging and actually help to cover up the fact that the Cybermen really aren't up to much of anything, here. 

Besides being a decent tale, Closing Time also earns the distinction of being the first story in New Who to feature Cybermats. Which adds a bit more excitement to things. Especially since the Cybermat looks quite horrifying when it opens its mouth to reveal real teeth!

11: DARK WATER/DEATH IN HEAVEN

The first installment in the Boy, Has the Master Become Obsessed With the Cybermen! Trilogy. It's the weakest in the series (even thought it's not so much a series as a weird string of coincidences) - but I still wouldn't call it terrible. Another example of the several middle-of-the-road Cybermen stories that exist in New Who. 

I find Dark Water to be quite engaging. But there's really not much "Cybermen stuff" in this episode. Which means that much of what this whole ranking system is about doesn't really pertain to what happens in the ep. The Doctor forgiving Clara for betraying him, for instance, is quite moving. But it has nothing to do with Cybermen! 

Death in Heaven, of course, deals a lot more with what we're really looking at in the compiling of this list. However, we've got another "Cyberman have abilities that don't really make sense" situations going on. I'm really not sure how a single cell from a Cyberman can actually be deployed in the creation of more Cybermen. But, because Missy is behind it all, I can get myself to believe that she's using some kind of super-advanced Time Lord technology to do it. So I can adequately suspend my disbelief and enjoy this tale a bit better than Nightmare in Silver (another story that commits a similar crime). 

Well, we've reached that point where I assume anyone reading this has had enough for now. We'll look at the Top Ten Cybermen Stories (according to me, at least) in Part Two of this entry,