So, I was wandering through a shop the other day, looking for something completely unrelated to umbrellas. But then I came across a display full of multi-colored brollies and thought to myself: "I don't have an umbrella, right now. How can I resist one that looks just like my Colin's?!" (Yes, I do refer to him, sometimes, as "my Colin"!) But, even as I bought the item, my fanboy brain kicked in. Was Colin really the first Doctor to sport such an accessory? He certainly wasn't the last. Sylvester continued toting it about with him during his very first adventure. But I was sure that both Tom and Jon had carried a similar brolly with them for a few very brief scenes.
I decided to find all those scenes and watch them (sometimes, I just have too much time on my hands!). As I did, the goofiest of fan theories started formulating. I decided to have some fun with it.
SPECIAL NEW CATEGORY!
As some of you may or may not recall, we have reached the fourth anniversary of Pretentious Doctor Who Essays. I can't believe I'm still writing these, either!
It's been one hell of a ride as I force myself to try to spit out, on average, two entries a month. I've enjoyed the discipline this has given me as a writer (I'm still wildly erratic in other aspects of my writing career, though. Oftentimes, putting in more creative effort to find new and exciting reasons for missing my deadlines than I do into the actual manuscripts I'm working on). I have greatly enjoyed all the support I have received from those of you who continue to read this loyally. The many kind comments you have all left me have greatly encouraged me. But even just seeing the number of hits these entries get warms my heart(s) and inspires me to go on spewing my vitriol.
I try to do something special for every anniversary celebration. In the last few years I've been posting a series of articles I was writing for a fanzine that documents my journey through early Who fandom during the 80s in Canada. I've run out of articles in that series so I've decided to start a new category on this occasion. COMPLETE AND UTTER SILLINESS will be about goofy theories I've come up with that I expect no one to take seriously but can still be fun to prove.
THE RAINBOW BROLLY - IT'S TRUE ORIGINS
Doctor Six is, of course, the incarnation most strongly associated with this particular piece of rain gear. It all started with a series of publicity shots they took of Colin Baker shortly after a costume for his Doctor was completed. It was the perfect accessory to the outfit, really. It basically said: "This particular combination of garments isn't quite obnoxiously loud enough - let's add to it!" The umbrella ended up making a few appearances in episodes throughout his all-too-short reign.
But Six is not the only Doctor to sport a brolly in this style. We see several other umbrellas that resemble his in both earlier and later adventures. They don't always perfectly match Sixie's umbrella, though. There are some variations.
A sane rational person would simply say: "Obviously, the Doctor has several different umbrellas lying around that are very similar to each other but not quite the same." That makes sense. It brings the whole argument to a close quite quickly, too. But it's also damned boring and doesn't enable me to write much of an entry on the matter. So I prefer to postulate that the rainbow brolly that we have been seeing throughout the years of the Classic Series is something more than just an object that keeps you dry during bad weather. No, I suggest that this polycromatic nightmare of a fashion accessory is a living being that possesses low-level shapeshifting skills. And I intend to spend the next few paragraphs backing up my claim.
WHERE DID IT ACTUALLY COME FROM?
Many of you might be saying (and, by "many": I mean all of you): "Rob! That's insane! Where would you even find a living umbrella with the ability to shapeshift?! They just don't exist!". But, if we go by what the Doctor once said in The Doctor, The Widow and the Wardrobe, an infinite Universe will eventually produce anything. So there must be sentient shapeshifting umbrellas out there, somewhere.
"But Rob!" you might continue, trying to get me to see the rational side of things, "Even if there were such a thing out there, somewhere - how would the Doctor find it?!" Well, he does have a vehicle that can take him anywhere in time and space. So it wouldn't be that hard.
Nonetheless, I will come up with a suitable backstory to make this all the easier to swallow:
In the Northern regions of the planet Valtoria, there exists special farms that raise formless low-level psychic creatures. These creatures are sold to people who like fashion accessories that are capable of adapting to their various tastes. When you purchase such a creature, it bonds with you. Searching your mind, it assumes the form of the fashion accessory you most desire in that moment. The object that it becomes is now considered its Primary Form. It cannot change too radically from that shape. But it can change a bit. Reading the mind of the being they have bonded with, it will introduce variations in its Primary Form whenever it is needed to.
The Doctor visited one such farm during his second incarnation. Just shortly after his battle against the Krotons - where he lost his favorite brolly. He just happened to have a few Voltarian bucks in the pocket of that battered old frock coat so he bought one of these creatures (we'll call them frotnoks, just to make this all easier). Naturally enough, he wished for the frotnok to become his new umbrella. He just happened to be in a colorful mood that day so something wild and multi-colored manifested itself in the bonding.
Ultimately, the frotnok just ended up making the Second Doctor miss his old brolly all the more. He threw the hapless creature in a closet in the TARDIS and it was forgotten about for some time. The Doctor knew the creature had very low intelligence and wouldn't be bothered by such a gesture. If you toss a frotnok away like that, it just goes into an extended sleep mode til someone comes into contact with it, again. So no harm was done to it. It just took a long nap.
COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET
Some time passed and the Doctor regenerated. His third incarnation certainly had a better nose for fashion, but he didn't care much about umbrellas. So the frotnok still sat in storage for quite some time after the regeneration.
Finally, the Doctor was planning a trip to Florana with his friend Sarah Jane Smith. He thought it might be smart to have a nice sun umbrella to shelter beneath if they needed some shade. He was sure he had one in a closet somewhere...
The frotnok immediately sensed that it was needed and woke up from its long slumber. Its current form wasn't quite what its master needed so it quickly shape-shifted. It grew in size and even added a white trim to itself to make it look more appealing. The Doctor found it and pulled it from storage to use on their trip to the beach. The frotnok enjoyed a merry little spin as the Doctor sang Beside the Seaside to it.
And then, suddenly, everything went wrong. The TARDIS landed on the planet Exxilon and had all its power drained from it. The trip to Florana was cancelled. The frotnok was briefly left in the console room as an adventure against the Daleks ensued. Eventually, it was returned to its closet space. Not to be seen again for some time.
A NEW DOCTOR
Again, the Doctor regenerated. This new incarnation was much more bohemian. He preferred things to look old and weathered.
The frotnok sensed this and made the appropriate shift in tones. Its colors became more subdued. Even though it had been seldom used, it made itself look well-worn. The Doctor came across the frotnok one day while wandering through the TARDIS storage hold and admired its form. He even remembered purchasing it way back in his second incarnation and knew of its abilities.
Which is why the Doctor just tosses the umbrella aside and doesn't bother with it anymore when he sees it's not raining as he's strolling about in Stones of Blood . He actually knows that the umbrella has the ability to sprout small legs and make its way back to the TARDIS all on its own. The TARDIS, also being a low-level telepath, will take pity on the frotnok and let it in once it makes it to her front doors.
As he ages, Doctor Four's tastes change. He becomes a bit more lively. The frotnok, quite naturally, adjusts to those tastes. By Destinty of the Daleks, it has taken on those same bright hues we will see it bearing when the Sixth Doctor puts it into regular use. The Doctor doesn't actually use a brolly in Destiny, though. We only see it perched atop the hatstand in the background in the TARDIS console room.
The frotnok was cast aside again for quite a while as the Doctor went through his next regeneration. The Fifth Doctor seemed more concerned with celery and cricket. He had no time for brollies.
SIX, AT LAST
Finally, the frotnok meets a version of the Doctor it can really hit it off with. Doctor Six delights in being a wild mismatch of colors and patterns and the frotnok is the perfect addition to his image. The two get on famously.
If you actually bother to look for the episodes where the Sixth Doctor is using the frotnok you become a bit surprised. We only see it for a bit at the beginning of Episode One of The Two Doctors. Though it's being used more as a sun umbrella, it doesn't revert to the form it had in Death to the Daleks. It has quite the presence throughout most of Episode One of Mysterious Planet but then gets left behind in the train tunnels of Marble Arch Station as the second episode rolls in.
Did it make its way back to the TARDIS on its own, again? More than likely. We don't see it anywhere when we return to that location at the Part Three cliffhanger and resolution. Yes, one of the underground dwellers could have taken the brolly. After the Doctor shuts down the Blacklight Converter, he finds who took it and gets it back from them. Or he even just goes and gets a new umbrella after this adventure. I know these are far more rational explanations. They just aren't fun. I'd prefer to think that umbrella walked its ass all the way back to the TARDIS again.
While there are only two televised appearances of Six and the frotnok, many more unseen adventures occurred between the two. At last, the frotnok got the love it deserved before it met its untimely end at the hands of that dark and merciless Seventh Doctor.
THE END - BUT THE MOMENT WAS NOT PREPARED FOR
Time and the Rani gives the frotnok more screen time than any other story. A fitting tribute for the creature as it is about to meet its demise.
The frotnok does one more shape shift in its last few hours. It adds a shoulder strap to itself for more easy transportation. It also gets put to great use in this tale. It trips Lakertyans, scares off Tetraps and transports lethal bangles.
It is while serving that last function that it meets its untimely end. For no readily apparent reason, the Doctor leaves the umbrella with Beyus as he guards the Brainiac to make sure no one tries to remove the bangles from it. We often talk of the Seventh Doctor's dark side. It is first put on display here as he ruthlessly leaves behind a living creature to die in an ensuing explosion. Yes, Beyus has chosen to be heroic, here. But did the frotnok make that same choice? Or was it just left behind out of cruelty?
There is, of course, a symbolism to the gesture. In the same way that Doctor Five establishes his presence by tearing apart his predecessor's scarf, Seven emerges by ridding himself of Six's brolly. But when we take into account the true origins of this umbrella, we see that the Doctor is on a dark path in this incarnation right from his very first story. Forget blowing up Skaro in Remembrance of the Daleks, leaving the frotnok to die is his darkest deed.
FINAL THOUGHTS....
Now, I know what you're thinking: this has been a fun little theory but the idea of a shape-shifting telepathic umbrella is completely ludicrous. And I get it. It is pretty hard to swallow. Even if we live in an infinite Universe of infinite potential.
But let me ask you this one simple question:
WHY HAVE WE NEVER SEEN TWO DIFFERENT STYLES OF MULTI-COLORED UMBRELLA AT THE SAME PLACE AT THE SAME TIME?!!
I mean, if that's the really the case. If the Doctor does possess several different kinds of multi-colored brollies then we should see two or more of them together at once, right? That only makes sense. I mean, even the Doctor meets himself from time-to-time so multi-colored umbrellas doing the same shouldn't be too big of a stretch, right?
But we don't. And that is because I believe the recurring multi-colored umbrella theme happens for a reason throughout the Classic Series. Various production teams have been handing this down to each other like a baton. I can imagine secret discussions between Barry Letts and Philip Hinchcliffe regarding the need to include appearances of the frotnok every so often. And Hinchcliffe having the same talk with Graham Williams. And Williams with JNT...
FINAL FINAL THOUGHTS
Do you remember that moment in The Visitation when the sonic screwdriver gets blown up? What happens to the Doctor when it does? He looks at the wreckage sadly and mutters: "I feel as though I've lost an old friend!"
Well, go re-watch The Doctor's Wife, now. Notice how Matt Smith uses an even deeper sense of melancholia when he says: "I had an umbrella like you, once."
Now we know why he sounds even more sullen. Unlike the sonic screwdriver, the frotnok was an actual living being. Not just something like a friend, but a legitimate comrade. During that moment in Doctor's Wife, he is mourning.
SPECIAL NOTE: Matt Smith doesn't sound the slightest bit sad when he says that in Doctor's Wife. I know that. But, in my head, he does!
Hope you like the new style of essay. There will be more in the future. I promise. The next time you are having wine, please a raise a toast to my fourth anniversary!
